My grandfather Papa (her husband) died about 9 years ago. Since his death, I often dream of him. Most of the time I know they’re just dreams, because he looks sickly or strange. But then there are the dreams that I know are something more.

One in particular stands out. Papa and I were sitting outside at a patio table, and on his face was that shit-eating grin that I remember so well. But y’all, he was glowing. Gorgeous white light surrounded him, and I was filled with so much joy and peace. When I woke up, I was overcome with emotion, knowing that it wasn’t just a dream. And since then, I’ve known that he’s always with me when I need him. And that brings me so much comfort.

But this week I had a dream in which a bunch of my family members came over for a fun get-together. I was a bit taken aback when my dead Aunt Carol walked in the door, but someone at the party told me that wasn’t Carol, that she just looked exactly like her. OK, no biggie, I thought.

Papa was there, and I recognized him as the real Papa and not just the dream version. I gave him a big hug, and I was very happy to be at this gathering with all of the folks. Mimi was there, which was unusual, because I don’t dream about her that often. But she was just as bright and vivid and happy as she always was (before she went into the nursing home), and so I didn’t think anything of it.

But now I recognize it for what it was, a preparation for today. They were letting me know that she’d be going soon, and that there were going to be lots of people there welcoming her, and celebrating her arrival.

Of course I’m sad. But when I think of my Mimi and Papa together again, and the utter joy they must have felt today upon being reunited, I feel that same joy, and I want to celebrate. And that’s precisely what I’m going to do.

I’ll be headed to Oklahoma City for the funeral, and I’m very excited to see all of the family that I’ve missed seeing for so many years. This is the family gathering from my dream. Mimi and Papa will be there, smiling down at the huge clan that the two of them created.

And the best part is that I have a new guardian angel.

Hi Mimi! It’s good to have you back.

Him: “Maybe the cave was made of chocolate.”

Me: “Yeah, and he ATE his way out!”

Him: “And he really liked bunnies, and eggs too.”

Me: “Wonderful! But what about the carrots?”

Him: “He used the carrots to DIG his way out!”

Me: “You. Are. So. Awesome.”

___________________________________________________________

Overheard from the comfort of my bed:

Alex (13) had a friend over this morning, and they were in his room playing on the Xbox. Jack was lingering around watching. Somehow the conversation turned to pancakes, and Alex said, “Jack likes pancakes, but he doesn’t like syrup.” Alex’s friend says to Jack, “Dude, that’s just un-American.”

I am loving the ages of my kids now. They’re just so funny and sarcastic and sweet. But they like to beat the crap out of each other, so it evens itself out.

Have a great weekend!

It’s your birthday today! (But you already knew that, right?)

I am so lucky and so blessed to have you as my mother.  I’ve read plenty of stories here in Blogland from women who weren’t anywhere near as fortunate as me. Stories that make me wish I could have had them all as sisters, so they wouldn’t have gone through what they did.

There has never been one second in my life where I doubted your love for me. I have always known it, and I always will. Thank you for giving me that gift, for it truly is one. And it’s one that I’ve passed on. The other day when I was putting Alex to bed, I said, “I love you. Don’t ever doubt that.” He looked at me like I was a complete idiot and said, “Why would I EVER doubt that?”

Thank you for teaching me that I could be anything I wanted to be, for always being my champion, for making me strong and independent, and for making sure that I knew my own self-worth.

Thank you for setting such a great example for what a mother should be. You are honest, loving and strong, with such fierce integrity.Thank you for teaching me that love is all that matters, even when it seems impossible to believe. That is embedded so deep in my heart and soul, and it carries me through even the darkest of days.

Most of all, thank you for letting me be ME, for allowing me to blossom throughout the years in my own way. I’ve made plenty of mistakes, and you were always there to help, but never in a way where I felt stifled or pressured to change.

You, my dear mommy, are a precious gem. A treasure of epic proportion and priceless value. And you are mine. And that has made all the difference.

Happy Birthday, Mom. I love you.

We all know that this is a huge step for him, but just one step in a series of many. I cannot imagine the horror of detox. If I could step in and do it for him, I would. In a heartbeat. But this is his fight, and he will come out stronger in the end. I just hope he continues down this positive path.

The best part? Today is his birthday. OK, I realize that spending your birthday in detox is probably not what anyone would WANT to do. But how fitting it is. It’s like he’s being reborn on his birthday. Sweet!

So, it’s a good day today.  :-)

My God, how could you do this? You’ve been sober for what? Fifteen years??? And now you’ve thrown that all away because of some rough times. You know what you do when you have rough times? ASK FOR HELP. Don’t go looking for it at the bottom of a bottle of booze, because it most definitely isn’t there.

You were gone from my life for so long, and you missed so much of my life, and I yours. But then you came back and I forgave you, I had already forgiven you. Just as I’ve already forgiven you for falling off the wagon now.

I’m not an alcoholic, so I don’t know what it’s like for you, but I’m sure that it must be excruciating to NOT drink, especially when times get hard. But goddammit, there are SO MANY people that love you. So many people that would be absolutely devastated if something happened to you.

My God, you were almost dead when you checked into the hospital with a blood sugar of 955, before anyone knew you had diabetes. But you FOUGHT and won. You changed your lifestyle so that you could LIVE.

So why don’t you want to live anymore? You may say you don’t want to die, but drinking is a sure fire way to get that done in a hurry, especially with your diabetes.

Do you REALLY want me to have to tell my sons, YOUR NEPHEWS, that their Uncle drank himself to death? That’s not the way I want them to learn about drug and alcohol education. Do you want your wife to have to tell all of your GRANDCHILDREN that you’re dead???

My dear brother, I cannot begin to know what you’re going through. But you have to know that there are so many people that love you and want you to fight this. The WORLD wants you to succeed. People who don’t even know you LOVE YOU and want you to stop this and get help.

Don’t believe me? I WILL SHOW YOU. I will show you the power of love, the power of community. Because goddammit I want my big brother back.

(Oh, and if you’re pissed about me putting this on the internet for everyone to read, that’s just too damn bad. I’m just trying to help. And this blog is anonymous, so no one knows who you are.)

I love you, Big Brother. Please come back to us.

My dear readers: Please, leave a comment for my brother. It’s the only thing I know to do for him. To show him as much love and compassion that I can. To show him that he’s not alone and that he is loved. Even by strangers. Thank you so much.

]]> http://justmeandthevoices.com/2010/02/19/how-could-you/feed/ 24 justmeandthevoices Me and My Big Brother SIGNATURE http://justmeandthevoices.com/2010/02/13/when-lynch-met-lucas/ http://justmeandthevoices.com/2010/02/13/when-lynch-met-lucas/#comments Sat, 13 Feb 2010 17:18:38 +0000 justmeandthevoices http://justmeandthevoices.com/?p=664 ]]> OMG, I just had to share this with you guys! My brother (the one who works at Grey’s Anatomy) has a friend he works with who created this animated short using audio of David Lynch recounting the time he met George Lucas about possibly directing Return of The Jedi. It was shot entirely with his iPhone 3G using the iMotion app. He did all the illustrations himself.

In case you don’t know (I didn’t), David Lynch is the guy who “did Eraserhead, Blue Velvet, Wild At Heart, Twin Peaks and a bunch of other edgy shit which makes the story in the interview even funnier.” (per my brother)

Also, he’s had so many hits on YouTube that David Lynch’s people have scheduled a phone interview with him! Lucky guy.

Enjoy!!

I can’t believe the guy would turn down STAR WARS!!!

• Started off jogging in the snow, climbing some hills and crossing some rivers.
• Came across a man with a horse and cart who was stuck in the snow, so we helped get him back on the road.
• Did some speed bag work.
• Sawed some logs using a giant hand saw.
• Loaded some big-ass rocks into a cart.
• Pulled our snarky manager Paulie on a sled in the snow. (This was really hard because Paulie is kind of fat.)
• Did some pull-ups.
• Walked through DEEP snow with giant logs across our shoulders.
• Did some shadow boxing.
• Chopped down some trees with an axe, NOT a chainsaw.
• Jumped some rope.
• Did these God-awful ab exercises where we hang from our feet and perform sit-ups.
• Split some wood.
• Did these crazy leg lift things where only our heads and shoulders were touching the ground, as we lifted and lowered our legs really slowly.
• Did some uppercuts while squatting under a rope.
• More trudging through the deep snow, this time with a yoke on our shoulders.
• Lifted a wooden cart filled with Paulie, our friend Adrienne and our trainer Duke. That was a bitch.
• Finally, we ran out in the snow again, up this giant hill, with the KGB chasing us. Strange. The hill became a mountain, and when we reached the summit, we all shouted “DRAGO!” over and over.

It went something like this (the dark-haired guy, NOT the blonde giant):

Crazy how they have our exact warm-up on YouTube. Go figure.

So once we finished the warm-up, we went on to climb the six flights of our building ELEVEN times. That’s 66 flights, yo. But see, we got to rest each time we took the elevator back down to the first floor. In the real race, we won’t get any rest. Just 42 flights, straight up. We need to find some taller buildings to use for training.

So, we’ve got one month to get in shape to kick that building’s ass. Won’t you help motivate me by donating? Click here or on the logo below. Don’t forget that I’ll wear a tutu during the race if I raise $500!! All proceeds go to the American Lung Association.

Thanks y’all!

Nature Boy and I were planning our honeymoon in Jamaica, and he suggested I get my open water diver certification so that we could go scuba diving while we were there. Once I got up off the floor from laughing so hard, he said, “No really, you’d like it.” Then he showed me a video from a diving trip he’d taken many years prior. It looked kind of fun, but the water! The breathing! The sharks!

I thought back to the time when my mother was going through the same experience. She attempted to get certified for a trip, but ended up having a panic attack during the pool training. I’m a lot like my mother, so I thought my fate might be the same. But I’m also pretty damn stubborn, so I decided to face my fear and sign up for the certification classes.

On the first day of class, we spent about half of the day in a classroom learning about pressure and other stuff I can’t remember. (You probably don’t want to be my scuba buddy. I don’t think I’d be good in a crisis). After lunch it was time to get in the pool. The first thing we had to do was swim 10 laps. Holy crap, I thought I was going to die. But I guess that was the purpose, to make sure we didn’t die swimming a measly 10 laps.

Finally, we got all the scuba gear on and proceeded to do all these tests in the pool. We’d go down 10 feet to the bottom of the pool and we’d have to perform whatever task was assigned for that section. Things like having your airway turned off, using someone else’s respirator (Shit, is that even what it’s called? Ventilator? Hell.), taking off your entire tank and putting it back on underwater, etc. We’d be down at the bottom for 30-45 minutes at a time without coming up. This? Freaked me the hell out.

During these exercises, the majority of the time was spent sitting on the bottom of the pool, just waiting for my turn. Waiting and listening to nothing but the sound of my own breath. In and out. In and out. It was the most claustrophobic feeling I’ve ever experienced. I also felt very alone, even with ten people around me. It was just me, my breath and my anxiety-ridden thoughts. It still makes me a bit panicky just to write about it here. I could definitely relate to my mom’s experience. When I was in the water like that, the outside world seemed so far away, and even non-existent. There were several times where I almost had to surface because I was getting so freaked. But each time I’d pull myself through by trying to relax my breathing, telling myself that the surface was a mere 10 feet away.

Surprisingly I actually made it through the two days of pool training with no major issues. I was pretty proud of myself, but I was not looking forward to the next step, the open water dive. We did the open water dive certification in a spring-fed quarry in Mermet Springs, IL. Used only for diving, the quarry is home to many sunken objects such as cars, trucks, motorcycles, school buses, boats, small aircraft and even a Boeing 727.

Like the pool training, we were required to perform certain tasks in order to pass the course. But we also got to browse around the quarry, with supervision, of course. The scary thing about the quarry is that it was pretty murky, so I didn’t have a nice clear view of anything until I got right up on it. I got up close and personal with the giant catfish (some of them albinos) who were thankfully oblivious to my presence.

At the end of the second day we made the journey out to the 727. It took us about 15 minutes just to get out there. Once there, we started at the tail, which sits 15 feet under the surface and worked our way down the top and sides of the massive plane until we reached the nose, whichlies at a depth of 60 feet. In August, the water temperature at the nose was a bone-chilling 50 degrees, so we didn’t stay down there for long. It was a spectacular sight to see, for sure.

All in all, the open water dive was MUCH better than the pool training. I was too distracted by all the cool things to worry that much about being scared. Not that I was completely fearless or anything, because I certainly had my moments of trepidation. But it was official now. I was a certified Open Water Diver.

A month later Nature Boy and I got married and went to Jamaica for our honeymoon. We scheduled our dive mid-week during our stay, and of course I ended up with food poisoning the day before, spending a good portion of the afternoon and evening praying to the porcelain god.

The next morning I still wasn’t feeling 100%, and I almost backed out. But I thought of all the work I’d done to get this far, and decided to go for it. And I’m so glad I did, because it was AMAZING! We went down to about 30 ft. and stayed down for an hour or so. We saw tons of coral (which sadly was pretty dead), lots of gorgeous fish, and even a stingray lying on the bottom of the ocean floor. So cool.

I liked it so much that we went out the next day for a 60-foot dive. I’d never been that deep before, but in the ocean the difference between 30 feet and 50 feet seems like nothing because it’s so clear and there are so many wonderful things to keep you enthralled. We got to explore inside the reefs, not just hover above and around them like the previous day.  Again, so damn cool.

I was and still am very proud of myself for pushing through my fear, because in the end the rewards far outweighed the things I had to overcome to get there.

Sadly, I’ve been forbidden by my doctor to ever scuba dive again. And I’ve got an 8-inch incision in my skull to prove it. But that, my friends, is another story. (Hey, I gotta keep you coming back, right?)

What’s something that you’ve done that you were really afraid of? In what circumstances did you “feel the fear and do it anyway”?

Work has been kicking my ass, and since that’s where I write this blog (shhhh, don’t tell my boss), I haven’t had time to update it. It’s our “busy season”, and I don’t see it getting much better for a couple weeks.

But I will try and get on here as much as I can, to entertain you with tales of my extremely exciting life. Also, my reader is quite full of unread posts, so if I don’t comment, just know that I still love you!

One update: The devil dog is gone. No we didn’t kill him. He went to a different foster home that was better equipped to handle him and help him with his “issues.” Hopefully he’ll be successfully rehabilitated and be able to find a forever family very soon.

Over and out!